


Among The Stars

by Yulicia



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-TLJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 19:59:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13372011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yulicia/pseuds/Yulicia
Summary: The losses faced in the war against the First Order weigh heavily against Poe's shoulders. Finn helps.





	Among The Stars

Space was quite beautiful when you have the chance to stop and truly look at it. It was a vast emptiness with nothing but stars to decorate its pitch black canvas. They twinkled dutifully, some of them glowing brighter than others, some close and some lightyears away.

Poe had always liked the stars. He’d spent years on Yavin 4 looking to them, wishing to be among them. Now he got to fly through them every day, nothing but the engine of the ship bellow him to stop him. It should have been bliss. 

While the Millennium Falcon had to strict day or night circle like a planet would it was around this hour that many of its few inhabitants would chose to find somewhere to sleep. Poe had passed by many wrapped in threadbare planets dozing in the hallway. With so many lost to dreams Poe had a chance to sneak away, to find a small respite.

He had taken a blanket of his own and made his way down to the gunner pod at the bottom of the ship. He was infinitely pleased to find nowhere already down here. It seemed as though only he knew that the small pod was the best place to find a bit of peace amongst the cramped Falcon. He’d pressed himself close to the window, dragged the shaggy blanket over his legs and leaned against the window looking out, staring off into the darkness of space.

Space, while beautiful, held so much death. Poe hadn’t had time to stop and really process the weight of how many bodies this war had cost them. How many bodies _he_ had cost them. Poe had learned early on the deaths of friends were an inevitability of war but it had never gotten any easier. It was worse now he had a commanding position. Now those deaths were directly on him. He had blood on his hands he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to wash away.

Poe swallowed thickly, beginning to feel a stinging behind his eyes. He bit at his lip, willing himself not to cry. He had no right to cry. Families and friends of the squadrons that he led to their deaths had a right to cry and he had absolutely no right to feel what they did.

The door down to the pod opened with a clunk, making Poe jump. He wiped at his eyes and looked to the open door.

“I thought you might be down here.”

Standing there here was Finn. Wonderful, wonderful Finn. He was smiling, the action lighting up his face like nothing else.

“Finn,” Poe greeted, smiling a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He hoped Finn wouldn’t notice. “What are you doing here?”

Finn climbed down the ladder into the pod, jumping down onto the floor from the last rung with a thud. He leaned against the ladder, looking down at Poe on the floor.

“Rey’s turned in for the night, I wanted some familiar company,” Finn answered.

Rey. Poe had only just met her days ago but she too shone with the same bright hope that Finn did. To be in the presence of both of them must be blinding.

“Can I sit?”

Finn’s voice caught Poe’s attention again. He jumped to move the blanket, cursing himself for being so selfish as to forget to offer Finn a seat. “Of course, buddy.”

Finn settled in next to Poe, his shoulder pressed closely against Poe’s. Poe felt the comfortable familiarity behind the action. Poe suspected it might have simply been that the gunner pod was very small and not exactly built for two people but he felt the warmth in the way Finn pressed so easily next to him. He didn’t feel worthy of it.

“How’s Rose?” Poe asked, suspecting that Finn had probably been watching her before he came down here. She was a sweet girl. Poe liked her despite how much it hurt to be reminded of the other Tico he’d lost.

“Stable. She’s hurt pretty badly but she’ll be okay, ” Finn said, a hint of worry creeping into his voice. It seemed as though Finn had grown quite attached to the girl. He didn’t blame him.  

There was a moment of silence before Finn spoke again. “Any particular reason you’re down here?”

Poe shrugged, thinking for a moment before speaking. “Wanted some time away I guess and this is the most privacy I was going to find.”

Finn jumped, looking quickly to Poe. His brows were furrowed in concern. “Oh, sorry. I can go if you want—“

Finn made a move to get up, jostling against Poe. Poe quickly grabbed his jacket, stopping the action.

“No, no, no! I didn’t mean like that.”

Finn stopped, pressing back against the ground. He was looking at Poe, a look of concern on his face.

“What did you mean then?” Finn asked, no malice in the question, only simple curiosity.

Poe shrugged once more. “It’s just a lot being up there with all of those people, with all of their eyes staring at me, judging me for what I’ve done. They’re right to judge and I understand why they do. I failed their families. I failed them. I failed the Resistance. I’ve gotten a lot of people killed lately. There are people whose families have been torn apart because of my actions. I have blood on my hands.” Poe paused, feeling himself begin to ramble. He hadn’t even realised he’d been doing it before it had been too late. He took a deep, shaking breath, willing away the stinging that welled in his eyes at the words. “I just needed some time away from that.” 

When he turned back to Finn his mouth was ajar, his eyes open wide. “Poe, you didn’t kill those people—“

Poe cut him off, waving him away. “So many people have died because of me, Finn, the bombing run was a disaster and my distrust of Vice Admiral Holdo got hundreds of people needlessly slaughtered. I—“

“Poe, shut up,” Finn snapped, making Poe jump. He hadn’t expected that forcefulness out of Finn and it caught him off guard. Finn was looking at him, staring at him with a burning intensity. Poe found himself unable to look away, drawn closer and closer to the fire in his eyes. “You didn’t kill those people. The First Order did.” Poe opened his mouth to argue but Finn continued onwards, preventing him from speaking. “They’re monsters, Poe. You are not a monster. You did what you did because you knew it would save people. People were in danger and you did what you could. Their deaths are on the First Order, not you.”

Poe was stunned to silence. He wanted to believe Finn, he really did, but he couldn’t get those losses out of his mind. They haunted him, their ghosts following his mind as though they were the visions of the dead the Jedi had talked so much about. If he let his mind wander for even a moment they appeared. Paige’s stories of exploring the galaxy, Ronith’s smiling face, Jaycris with his endless stories of his children, Stomeroni’s endless wisecracks and Tallie’s young but determined eyes all haunted him. Paige, most of all. Poe still couldn’t quite look Rose in the eye, knowing that it had been him who had caused her grief. So much pain had been caused by him.

Poe hung his head, unwilling to look at Finn. Finn was too good for him. Finn truly was what a hero should be, what Poe always hoped he would be. He burned so brightly and with such a pure spirit that Poe often found himself wondering how something as horrific as the First Order had managed to produce a man as astonishing as him.     

“Poe, say something. Please.” Finn’s voice was soft, barely above a whisper. He was so close now, his face just above Poe’s shoulder.

Poe looked down at his hands, fiddling with a loose hangnail on one of his fingers. “We can’t even give them a proper send off.” Poe swallowed. “We don’t have any bodies to bury.”

Finn leaned back, his head resting against the wall of the gunner pod. He breathed heavily through his nose, the sound like an explosion in the quiet space. “In the First Order we were never allowed to mourn a Stormtrooper who fell in battle – it just wasn’t part of protocol. There would never be any burials not because we couldn’t find the body – we knew exactly where they’d fallen – but because the Order didn’t want us to get attached. Attachments meant that we were human and those who were too human were too disobedient. Too likely to disobey a command. Too likely to run.”

Poe smiled at that, reminded that Finn had been brave enough to leave all of that behind.

“So we’d have to find another way to mourn them,” Finn continued, “We’d wait until all was quiet in the dorms and then we’d sneak up to the viewport, looking out into the stars. One by one we’d give each of the fallen a star of their own, immortalising them in the galaxies brightest places.”

“Finn, that’s beautiful,” Poe said, awe creeping into his voice.

“Maybe you should give each of your pilots a star.”

Poe went slack jawed at that. He wasn’t sure if that would help. They weren’t the First Order, they didn’t need to grieve in secret. Finn seemed to see Poe’s apprehensive look and nudged his shoulder.

“It’ll help. Trust me.”

And oh Poe did. He trusted Finn like he trusted no other. He’d trust Finn with his heart if he asked - he already trusted him with his life.

“How do I do it?” Poe asked, looking to Finn for guidance.

Finn smiled. “Look out of the viewport,” Finn directed, pointing to their side. Poe shifted, turning his head to look into the deep space out of the window panel. “Pick a star.”

Poe’s eyes scanned the darkness, landing on one of the brightest stars right in the centre of their view. Poe nodded, signalling to Finn that he’d done as he asked. He didn’t take his eye off of that one star even as the Falcon swayed, making the galaxy seem as though it was shifting side to side.

“Tell me their name,” Finn said.

Poe furrowed his brows. “Who? The star?”

“No, the pilot.” There was a hint of exasperation in Finn’s voice though Poe hopped that the fondness he was picking up on wasn’t just his own wishful thinking.

“Tallie,” Poe said, a lump beginning to grow in his throat even at the mention of the dead. He took a deep breath, willing himself back into some control.

“Tell me about her,” Finn said softly, leaning against him.

Poe paused for a moment, bringing Tallie’s image close to the front of his mind. Her face was hazy in the way memories often were she was the clearest she’d been in weeks. Poe was thankful that the memory of her that his mind brought forward first was a memory of her as she was before D’Qar rather than the image of her terrified expression as the hangar went up in flames.

“She,” Poe started before pausing to swallow, “She was brilliant pilot. Only twenty-two and yet she handled an A-wing older than her like she’d been using it for decades. She always wore this white scarf around her neck – she told me it was from her father. She loved that man, always talked about him. He must have been quite the hero. I’m sure he’d be proud of her.”

Poe didn’t realise he’d been speaking so quickly until he stopped, pausing for breath. He heaved a deep breath, the memories of Tallie returning to him. He didn’t even know if her father knew about her passing. His eyes began to sting again.

Seeming to sense his destress Finn pressed close, draping an arm over his shoulder. Poe let him, the warmth of the man next to him grounding him, making sure he didn’t shake right out of his own skin. He felt Finn’s hand began to run up and down his arm soothingly. He felt his stomach do a somersault at the sensation.

“She sounds amazing,” Finn said.

Poe nodded. “She was. I miss her.”

Finn gave his arm a squeeze. “She’s with the stars now. She’s gone but not forgotten, that’s what’s important.”

Poe huffed a laugh. “You sound like Leia.”

Finn smiled. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

The two sat in the gunner pod for hours, going through all of the friends and crewmembers who’d passed that Poe had not let himself mourn yet. Finn sat stalwartly at his side, drawing him back into safety when he felt Poe beginning to lose himself to misery. Poe appreciated it, knowing that without Finn here he’d simply have let their memories fester until he finally broke. With Finn here it was easier – it was cathartic.

By the time they’d gotten through everyone Poe remembered and assigned a star to each and every one of them Poe could hear the ship above them beginning to awaken. There were footsteps above the gunner pod, loud but passing quickly. The Falcon creaked beneath them, the old ship groaning in that worrying way it usually did. Poe continued to look out of the window, seeing all of the twinkling memories floating in the calming black nothingness.

Finn was still against him, his arm still draped over Poe’s shoulder. Poe looked to him, seeing that his eyes were dropping slowly. He looked exhausted. Poe realised then that Finn had sacrificed sleeping to come and see him, to comfort him. His heart swelled at the realisation.

Poe took a risk, snuggling close to Finn, tucking his head under Finn’s chin. Finn responding by resting against the top of Poe’s head, tightening his grip. He could feel Finn’s breath in his hair and he was so close he could smell the dusty must of Crait still lingering on Finn’s skin.

“You’re a good man, Finn,” Poe mumbled, quiet and low.

Finn hummed in what Poe assumed was agreement. In moments Finn’s breathing slowed and he was slack against Poe’s side, asleep. Poe smiled and closed his eyes, knowing that they would probably be awoken by Rey soon but not wanting to end the precious moment.

He wanted to cherish Finn while he still could.   

**Author's Note:**

> I'm Stardestroyervigilance on Tumblr and @yulicia0 on twitter if you want to come say hi!


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